Mass effect Derp
by Zambo
Summary: what happens when you completely disregard Commander Shepard? find out in this exciting comedy adventure!


Commander Shepard began his usual rounds of the ship. His Squad mates would usually tell him that now was a bad time, or that they needed to calibrate the guns. But today he knew it would be different. He decided to start by visiting his 2nd in command Miranda.

"Do you have a minute Miranda?" He asked, hoping for some hot sex.

"There's a lot to do Shepard, Maybe later?" She then went back to doing whatever it is she does. Shepard was furious, he knew the rest of his squad would be doing fuck all and he would have no one to talk to. Shepard decided to make conversation the hard way.

"Set a course for Omega." Shepard said to Joker on the deck.

"Aye aye Commander." Joker replied as the ship headed for the next Mass rely. Shepard knew what he had to do.

Shepard began walking down the Omega hallway. He had Garrus and Legion with him. Shepard was not in the mood for any of Omega's little quirks. He had one goal in mind: The VIP section in Afterlife. Shepard had arrived at the bouncer and mentioned Jaruut and was allowed in. Garrus and Legion had no interest so they stayed outside. Shepard walked inside and the first thing he noticed was a dancing Asari. He knew he totally had to tap that so he went to dance beside her.

"Hey, you like to dance? Watch this!" Shepard began to do a very stupid dance. The asari gave him a very strange look.

"No thanks, I think I'll just dance alone..." She slowly backed away.

"Bitch!" Shepard yelled at her "Fine be that way. I'll just go cut my wrists and sulk in the corner with that hot Emo Asari!"

"Careful Shepard." Garrus said from out of no where, as he magically appeared in the club. "She gives handjobs that kill."

"Meh, worth it." Shepard began to walk to her but Garrus interrupted.

"Then she makes a penis with her biotics and has sex with your corpse." Shepard slowly turned his head to face Garrus, his expression was that of disgust and want.

"Garrus," Shepard said "How do you know this?" Garrus gave Shepard a sharp look.

"Just like old times Shepard." Garrus said. Shepard's mouth was wide open at this odd statement that could mean anything. Just then, a Female Shepard walked up to Garrus.

"I want to have sex with your burn scars!" She said to Garrus.

"What the fu-?" Male Shepard was about to say some very nasty things. But then a voice boomed over his Codex!

"Shepard! You've created a time paradox!" It was Clonal From Metal Gear! Just before Shepard could get his head around what was happening, Legion ran through the door reciting pi!

"3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510

5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651 3282306647 0938446095 505822-" Legion kept yelling the numbers of pi as he ran around the club. Shepard knew what he had to do. He pulled up his pistol and Began shooting. He hit Legion in the head killing it instantly. Next he saw a man running with long blond hair, he shot that man too. He then directed his aim to Female Shepard who was taking her shirt off for Garrus and shot her, killing her too.

"TIME PARADOX!" Clonal yelled as a rip in the time space continuum began to form from the bullet hole in Female Shepard.

"GOOOOOOODAMNIIIIIIIIIT!" Shepard yelled as he was sucked in.

Shepard woke up on the floor. Two figures were looming over him. One a older man with graying hair. The other a younger one with blonde hair.

"Not many survive the joining." Said the older man. "But you have, you are now a Gray Warden." Shepard looked around for a moment and saw everything was very primitive, swords, shields, magic. He was lost in a time not his own.

Shepard eventually defeated the Arch demon and has a kid with that hot witch Morrigan, seeing as Shepard wasn't a common name in his universe Morrigan decided to give the kid a different name, She called him Mike, Mike Hawke.

Shepard eventually died of Gray Warden old age, but at least he saved the galaxy, and Fereldan.

But on his death bed he had one more fleeting though, What of his galaxy and friends?

An alarm rang as Garrus got up from bed alongside Thane and Zaeed.

"Its time to get up guys..." Garrus said as he flew out the window. Thane and Zaeed followed. Each of them wore a colored dress with a Black stripe. They had been transported to a new world and gifted magical powers. Many called them heroes but they only had one true name: the Power Puff Girls.

* * *

So belive it or not, this is basically a normal text message conversation with some of my friends...

hope you enjoy it anyhow.


End file.
